Finals. Birthday. Graduation. Senior Rings.

SEVENTEEEEN in less than 25 hours, but more than 24. YAY!
but boooo for the start of finals weeeeek.

ONE WEEK TILL RING CEREMONY.
<3


my boyfriend got drunk today.
kbye.

I have you forever

I'm happy with you and you're happy with me.
I got a tumblr because i figured i can express myself better with images and that is ABSOLUTELY right. I'm addicted to it, and if you want to look me up you can: laurenisadinosaur.tumblr.com

So today was the Seniors of 2011's last full day at Erath High School with me. At first I was looking forward to it, but now i'm not so sure. It's depressing when i think about it, because the majority of my friends are seniors. Two of my best friends are seniors. Bryce and Tori. Thinking of going through one more year of high school without them is heartbreaking. I know that most people lose touch once they graduate highschool, but i'm really hoping that we keep in touch. It's definitely bitter sweet. Class of 2011, as much as i hate to say it, i do love y'all. & good luck in the future.

I think i believe that Bryce would never do anything to hurt me, but i'm constantly thinking that something is not right between us. I try to make myself believe that i trust him, but i don't. He told me how he went help one of his little girl friend's last night at her house with homework. Before we broke up, I wouldn't have thought anything of it, but now it worries me. He's a pretty good liar, obviously since he'd lied before and i believed it.. It hurts my heart to think that he would hurt me after everything this year, but it is clearly possible after everything that he has already done to me. What to do, what to do? I'm so confused, and i won't tell him anything about this so we won't fight, because i don't believe anything he says anymore... especially since signs always point to the bad.

Anger is only one letter short of danger.

"He who angers you, conquers you."
I really do need to get my anger out about Amber. I honestly do, because now EVERY little thing she does pisses me off. The last thing i want or need is my life revolving around her. It's not in a good way at all. I just got to keep my cool, but how long can i keep it without blowing up inside?

I lalalalove my boyfriend.

I love spamming his phone while he takes a shower, btw, you may have to actually click on the image to read it. Anyways, i've been extremely happy with this boy since we got back together. He's so amazing, even though he doesn't believe it or agree with me. Oh and on a random note, because of the bipolar weather we have here in Louisiana, i'm sick with a cold in May? So thanks for being in the forties randomly, i really appreciate it. You know, getting me sick right around finals. Just wonderful.
I hope you caught the sarcasm in that. Anyways back to Bryce(: He absolutely always makes my day better and always makes me smile, therefore i am the luckiest person ever,< 3 One day i'm going to be as badass as he is, i promise(: Besides, since i have forever with him, i'm sure one day his amazingness will rub off onto me. lolol Hey Bryce Monteaux, i love you with all my heart forever and always, got that? I bet if he responded the answer to that would be "Nope;p" < 333 Well i really need to stop obsessing over my boyfriend's amazingness, don't want to get too many people jealous because i'm so lucky :p
13 days till my birthday.
7 days till the Avenged Sevenfold concert.
17 days till Graduation & proj. grad.
19 days till i become a SENIOR!

Anger races inside me.

This is my best friend Meagan Perkins. Probably the most pure and innocent person to walk the earth. Lately though, her boy track hasn't been so great. She tends to fall for the ones who are only out to hurt her. I'm not one who can just accept when a guy hurts my friend and i always put my two cents in. This time is completely different only because this is not the first time this lowlife has ruined her. He's cheated on her multiple times, and she's let him in over and over again, but i'm pretty fed up with it. I'm tired of thinking "Oh he'll change this time" along with Meagan. The anger that i have towards him is unbearable. I don't want to see her break one more fucking time because of this no good asshole that isn't getting anywhere in life, smoking weed, drinking, and having sex with anyone who will give it too him. As i've told him many times and i'm sure i've made my point, He does not deserve her because she is way too good. She tried way to hard for someone who won't even give her the time of day. I mean, he won't change for her. He won't even try. He blames her for his guilt, so why is she still giving him her heart? Hopefully she isn't anymore. I feel like her though, i tend to want him to do better in his life, but he won't, so this is where we all give up. Meagan Nicole, i love you so much and you deserve so much better, i've always told you this, but maybe this time you will actually listen to me, since i'm ALWAYS, well almost 99% of the time, right (;

This bitch will never fool us again.

If I Run, Will You Run After Me?: dklfj

If I Run, Will You Run After Me?: dklfj: "dklfj"

sighhhhhhhh

These words are caught in my throat and they won't come out. They'll never come out. I just guess i got to only hope that you really truly honestly love me.

life's only good, when you're in it.

On April 28, 2011, Bryce Monteaux and I will make four years since we first started dating back in 2007. We have been through so much since then. Many things have happened that have made us both stronger. He is such a huge part of my life and i don't know what i would do without him. He is not only my boyfriend, but he is my best friend too. I'm glad we've made it through all the hard times, because I wouldn't want to be here today with anyone else.

I can't wait to spend the rest of my life, with you by my side (: I love you so much Bryce Jon Monteaux, words can't explain.

you're back.

and i'm happy.
(:







yayayyayayayayayayayayayay.

I'm happy & my arms are open for you.

Today was a really good day. By the way boy, i miss you like crazy. Even today (:

35 days till the avenged sevenfold concert with Bryce. Ah, i'm excited!
Oh & 30 school days left till i'm officially a senior & 21 school days left until the seniors of 2011 are GONE! Only 21 more days of misery! :)

I've never been so happy, at least this is the closest to "happy" that i can get without you here.

Real love is known to take it's time.
So take your time, just come back for me one day..

You have a girlfriend.

So don't tell me that you're still in love with me, that you miss me, and that you just want to be with me. Don't tell me i ruin your night because you miss me, love me, want me. etc.

I don't think she would like that very much.

I miss you, and i love you and until you come around... i'll be here.

"I can't wait forever for you. Sooner or later, you're gonna come around. You'll be sorry when you figure out that I was always everything that you needed. Sooner or later, you're gonna wish you had me. Yeah you're gonna wish you had me. Well she don't do nothing for you, but mess you up. Yeah she messes you up. I'm your shoulder, I'm the quick drive over, trying to fix your stuff. Well I give up."

on to the next oneeee

I finally spent a night with a guy, that got my mind off of Bryce. Holy shit. More progress :)

I'm happy where i am? Boy please..

You must not really know me...

"Don't look back, got a new direction. I loved you once, needed protection. You're still a part of everything I do. You're on my heart just like a tattoo."

lifes so damn hard sometimes

Last night i went watch Jansen's band, which is also bryce's band at there little gig thing. They were just as good as always. At least i realized that i can be in the same place as Bryce and not be completely sad, though it was upsetting, i was totally fine. I just gotta keep saying "If he's happy, then that's what i want, and i'm happy." 'Cause as long as he's happy, i should be happy. May not be the way i want him to be happy, but it's all good ;D

Ehhhh. Oh well, life's going on. Can't stop it.

My heart is running on empty.

Alright.
I cried, like cried my heart out, for the first time since i've found out he started dating someone else. I've never cried like that before. It just felt like there was nothing anymore. Felt like i've lost everything i've tried to keep. Felt like nothing mattered anymore. Felt nothing. I can't get him out of my head. I just can't. Acting like i don't care, is not possible anymore. Not when i feel like i'm dying inside, not when i feel like i'm losing a part of myself. I really hope things will get easier when he leaves for college.

How long does it take to fall out of love? Why is it so easy for him? -.-
I can't do this.

Missing you is so not fun.

So, i'm sitting around missing you.
As if there would honestly being a point to missing you, not like it's doing me any good. It's just making things worse. Butttt, i'm sitting here. Realizing that it's as good as done for me, wanting to beg, but finding there's no point.

I'm going though what i put you through two years ago, but the difference between me and you is that i couldn't do it, i couldn't put you through that pain, because i loved you too much. But you, you don't give a damn what i go through.

I don't know why i try to even talk to you, when all it does it make me miss you.
I shouldn't fucking feel this way. I should be fucking happy. But no, i can't ever be happy, and i'm sick of feeling this way. I'm sick of feeling left behind, feeling not good enough.

I swear i have hundreds of guys that would kill to be with me, but i can't, unfotunately i still love you.

Countless guys talk to me daily, and ask me out, i shut them all down. Sure i have my fun every now and then, but it's not the same. it's not what i want. I just want to be far away from you. I just want you to be eliminated from my life completely. I don't want to feel like this anymore, and i sure as hell don't want to cry over it one more time.


Please, just disappear.

"They say time heals everything, but i'm still waiting.."

;)

My first date since me and Bryce broke up, went fucking amazing.
I met Corey's mother, and she's super nice. Except Corey had to introduce me as "Evil" :p So mean! But anyways, i had a wonderful night (;

I'm fixing to go march in this extremely crappy Mardi Gras parade, and it's raining outside. What funnnn. The only thing that sucks about band is well, Bryce. Cause, now i have to see him on the weekend -.- but i'll manage (: After that i'm heading to Cajun Field to party with Tori and Kristen! :) Just the absolute best way to start off the Party Gras Break!
I'm guessing i'm going to have to make some time to help Jessica pack up all her stuff too (; She's leaving me again :( But that's okay because i'm still always gonna be at her new house! :p

Smiling and happpiness, how i've missed you so much. Thank you God for making me realize that i don't need anyone else to live my life and as much as they're missed, that i can still live without them. A wonderful lesson learned (:

"Ever since you found yourself in someone else's arms, I've been tryin' my best to get along. But that's OK there's nothing left to say, but take your records, take your freedom take your memories, I don't need'em. Take your space and take your reasons, but you'll think of me."

Pft.

Let's start off with me:
I'm doing wonderful. I don't feel pain anymore. I don't care at all anymore. It's like he never existed. Even though i have thought about trying to prove to him more stuff, i realized, he's not worth my trouble. I mean, it's been two months since we broke up and about two weeks since we stopped everything & he already has a new girlfriend? I mean, i wouldn't care if she wouldn't be so damn messy between me and Corey. She decided to tell Corey's mother that i wasn't a virgin, and she decided to tell Corey that Corey shouldn't talk to me, because i'm not pretty and basically he should be talking to someone who's at least a little bit pretty. Who the fuck does that nowadays? Oh.. yeah. Fourteen Year Old Freshmen. I don't know if she doesn't like me because i'm her boyfriend's ex, but i mean, he chose you over me, why hate me for that? He was suppose to be in so called "love" with me, but he chose you, someone he barely knew over me. Don't hate me, clearly when it should be the other way around. Don't get me wrong though, i have nothing against his new girlfriend, i just wish she'd grow up a bit and stop acting like what she is. Especially if she's going to try to be good enough for Bryce, which i doubt will ever happen. 'Cause of course, he deserves the best only.
If you're wondering who Corey is, he's not my boyfriend. Unlike Bryce, i'm not capable of being in a relationship right after a terrible break up. I've done it before, and i will never make the mistake again. Everyone keeps expecting me to stick my nose, or at least be the littlest angry, but i'm not because i'm still all about the whole "Whatever makes him happy" If it's her, than that's what i want for him.
Let's just say, i bet y'all would be proud of me if i told you that i haven't cried since Monday. Progress is progress and i'm glad to have it. I have to thank my wonderful friends who pull me through that absolute hardest times. Jessica and Meagan, i don't know what i'd do without you girls. Losing something important from your life, and having the absolute two BESTEST friends that i could ask for, is just remarkable.

I don't want to say i'm completely 100% OK, or 100% over Bryce and what we had, because i'm not. I can say though, that i can live without him, and though i still love him, i doubt things will ever be the same between us again. I'm a good 75% OK though, i honestly am. I'm smiling all the time, and i'm actually happy, i can actually breathe and live. That doesn't mean that i don't occassionally think "What if" and that definitely doesn't mean that i don't miss him, because i do. But I don't dwell on it anymore, he's moving on with his life without me and i can't stop that. The one thing i want most in my life though is to have him back in it. Not as my boyfriend, just as my best friend. He was the only person to really understand me, and starting over is not my favorite thing. But i can only wait around and see what was meant to happen, because if he wasn't meant to be in my future, then clearly we can all tell that he won't be. <3

"Whenever you knock me down, i will not stay on the ground,"

Aw dammit.

I'm gonna write this long story, explaining it all tomorrow, i promise :)

Its been a while.

I've been afraid to write my feelings on here only because "he" knows this blog. Clearly, i'd rather him not know how i feel, i rather him not care like he's doing, rather him move on like he's doing. I rather him just not exist. I can't wait till graduation when he's far away. On the bright side, i haven't had the want to text him, talk to him, look at him, and i barely miss him.. As long as he's out of my mind that is... because the second he's back into my mind, it's like he takes over my feelings, my heart, and just throws me for one more loop and BAM, i start to miss him and wonder about him. It's not often though, maybe once every two days will i start to think about him and wonder what he's doing and if he's happy. I'm actually OK. I mean, he has found someone new that makes him happy. & that's what i'm suppose to want for him, even if that person isn't me. Right?
But i'm making progress. I'm starting to live, instead of just floating with the days, i'm starting to smile because i can smile, i'm starting to laugh a lot more, i'm starting to forget about all the pain and i'm starting to move on with my life because life isn't going to wait around for me. Everything is getting easier for me. As much as i wish that this would have never happened between me and him, i'm accepting it and i'm looking forward because i'm sixteen and i have a lot to live for. It's a life lesson i'm suppose to learn from, and i'm learning that no matter what happens, you just have to keep living and keep moving forward.


<3

i love you crazy

FUCKMYLIFE.
I honestly don't know anymore.
and i hate it. i hate it more than anything.

I just want to know what we are, because i honestly don't know anymore

"If I fall, can you let me down easy? If I leave my heart with you tonight will you promise me that you're gonna treat it right? I'm barely hanging on..."

What am I? I looked in the mirror today, and just broke down. Am i really that terrible of a person? Do i not deserve you? Do i deserve anything? Am i not good enough? Where did i go wrong? & why can't i move on?

I know things aren't going to work out between us, so why am i still hoping that you'll come around, that you'll come back to me? I know you won't, i know you have something else in mind, so why am i still waiting? You tell me EVERYTHING i want to hear, you know it's wrong, you say you mean it. BUT damn, if you feel that way about me, then what the fuck are you doing? Tearing me apart, tearing me down. Making me nothing. You say you love me, but you can't handle me. I don't want you to handle me... I want you to be with me, a relationship like we're suppose to have. I can't stand to look at couples, they're everywhere just making me realize that you're gone. Gone for good, you even said that yourself. You said you're not coming back. You said you're done with me. Why can't i just let you go? Since January 2nd, i've cried every day over you. Every day. I hurt everyday. For you, it's getting easier but for me it's only getting harder. I'm trying to pull away from you because that's what you want, but i can't. I can't let you take away the absolute only thing in this world that I want. I want you forever. In my future, forever, with me. I know it's a lot to ask.. i know. But i just want to hear that this isn't over. I'd feel so much better if you'd tell me this isn't over.. i don't want this to be over, you said so yourself, you don't want this to be over either... I believed you when you said that, and i don't want it to be a lie, but i can't be your friend forever with the feelings i have for you. Come back, one day, come back..
"You're the only thing on my one broken track mind.."



On the bright side, Zayda will be here tomorrow. I'll have something to keep my mind off of him with..

Truth be told

There was always this part of me that wanted to make him hurt like he made me hurt. So many chances i've had that i could have easily made that possible. But, i took a step back from my little fantasy world and thought "Why are you even thinking of getting even with him? Don't you love him? You don't hurt the ones you love..." & I realize everytime how i couldn't be more right. I love him so much, that no matter how bad the pain i have to go through because of him is, i could NEVER hurt him intentionally. You see, sometimes you have to put others first over what you want in order to get anywhere in life. As self absorbed as i may seem, i'm honestly not. Not at all. So, i'm stepping back from what i want, which is YOU, Bryce Monteaux, just in case your forgot, and i'm going to attempt to see what you want. I kind of know what you want.. but you've never exactly explained it to me in detail where i could understand it.. and i'm too scared to ask you in case it ruins the little bit of friendship we have left.. ANYWAYS.

I still feel like a little kid when i talk to him, when i look at him, when he looks at me. I still get butterflies, and it's so amazing, i can't help but smile when he's around, no matter how hard i try not too, being around him just makes me happy..

"My first boyfriend and I mutually agreed to just be friends. Within 10 minutes of changing my relationship status on Facebook, I received calls from at least four different friends, all ready to go kick his butt. Even though it wasn't necessary today, my friends' readiness for that day gives me hope."


I'm still waiting. It's not tiring anymore, cause i know what i want. So, if you're just wondering about me, yes, i'm still waiting.



& i still love you. I still love you so much.


God; can you give me my life back please, i promise i will handle it delicately.. i'm not sure i can do this alone anymore..

VDAY

Ten days till the day of LOVE. Valentine's day should be skipped this year. You know, it's not fair for people like me. I don't have that special someone to spend the day with showing how much they love each other by doing all kind of special things together. I HAD that special someone once though, and i can't imagine a valentine's day without them... Sigh. Please, let's just skip valentine's day just this once.. my heart already hurts too much.

"I can wait forever."

"Do you want to know what my problem is? I will tell you what my problem is…
i love you. I love your name, I love the way you look at me, I love your gorgeous smile, I love the way you walk, I love your beautiful eyes, I love the sound of your laugh, i love the way you get mad, i love the way i dont understand you at all. I love the way I can be having the worst day of my life and seeing you completely changes my mood. I love how when you touch me I get weak, thats my problem..."

You want me to be happy, but i can't be happy. The thing that makes me happy, the thing that i need to be happy, doesn't need me. Therefore i'm left sad, and i'll always be sad until the light of my life comes back. If that's soon or never, that's going to decide whether i'm going to be happy one day or not. YOU make me happy. So how do you expect me to be happy without you?< YOU are what i want, so how do you expect me to move on away from you? I know you don't need me, you know that too. BUT, i need you and want you more than anything. So if you want me to be happy, you know what you'd have to do, but you don't want that, so you're screwed and stuck. You're stuck.. just like i am. You have to do what your heart wants, to get anywhere. I know what my heart wants, why can't yours make up it's mind? Waiting gets tiring, but i'll wait forever.

You know how many times i catch myself wanting to send this, actually typing it out, but not sending it. I'm so used to saying that i love you, because that's exactly what i do, i love you. I probably type this ten times a day, and have to erase the text... because that's not us anymore. That's what we were. Man, that's the first punch.. in the same spot, once again..

"because the truth is if you love a person, IF YOU TRULY LOVE THEM, no matter how bad they hurt you, or how mad they make you, youll always take them back.."

I skipped out on school.

Today is February 2nd, 2011. It is exactly one month since my life went straight downhill. I'm alright today though, i suffered a migraine and heartache. Besides that, i'm OK. I still miss the happiness that i no longer have in my life, but i always will miss that. I'm starting to get used to the lonesome feelings, the hurt, the pain. I'm used to feeling worthless and useless. i'm used to it now, and all i can do is just try to move forward, instead of backwards.. I long for him to be more than just my friend. I long for him to come back. But since he's not, i'll accept it and one day, i'll be okay with that.

"I'm not exactly sure what I should say. Everything I do is a mistake. Your attention is attention, It doesn't matter if it's fake or real, I'll take it if I get it. I've made up my mind, I'll do it over any time."

Anger is love, disappointed.

"Tell me you get lonely and I’ll come back, All you gotta do is call me, my bags been packed. I’m dying of pride, but I want you to know… That I get lonely."

I wonder if our love is strong enough.

And all i can say is.. maybe tomorrow will be better.
The ring he gave me, the promise ring that meant absolutely nothing.. I put it in it's case when he broke up with me. I kept the case open on a display and i told myself that i wouldn't close it until i decided to give up. Today i closed the case. I guess no matter how bad it's going to hurt, i just gotta forget about it. I said i'd do whatever he wanted, and he want's me to move on.. of course, he asked me to do the only thing i can't do, but i can act like it. I'm a good actor, and acting happy isn't really that hard. Even though EVERYONE laughs at me when i tell them i'm okay. Absolutely, no one believes me when i say i'm okay. Clearly i'm not. I've never felt so sick to my stomach before. Fifth hour today. The fucking worse hour of my life. He tells me he cares, but the way he acts, and the lies he tells me all the time, i don't even believe it. You wouldn't hurt some one you really love just so you're happy. Impossible. But in order for him to be happy, i have to hurt like hell. I'll accept it, i always accept everything. I'm just tired of crying, tired of having my heart beat out of my chest, tired of not being able to breathe, tired of caring, tired of loving with no love in return, tired of trying, when it gets me no where. I'm just tired of everything, but i can't stop because i want him in my life. Forever. He's not coming back, but i bet i'll wait. I'd drop everything for this kid, who walked away from me. It's wrong isn't it? It's stupid isn't it? But that's what i am, pathetic and stupid.

I hate waiting around for something that will never happen, but i can't help myself. I just love him too much and it sucks. Fucking sucks so bad.

I'm so shaken up, i can't function. Noelle had to take my pencils away from me in class today, lol. I no longer pay attention, i just draw. I draw my heart away, i draw my feelings, i draw what i want, what i don't want. I draw anything. It was so funny. Love you Noelle (;

anyways, i'm giving up.
That's what you wanted.
And you always get what you want.
No matter how bad it hurts.
I want you to be happy.
& if that means me leaving.
Then i'll do it.

This is the last time i say it.
I love you.
Always will.

It's the little things like that text message, that helps me breathe.."I get carried away by the look by the light in your eyes
Before I even realize the ride I'm on baby I'm long gone
I get carried away nothin' matters but bein' with you
Like a feather flyin' high up in the sky on a windy day, I get carried away."

I should be done. I shouldn't be okay when he says "I told you I was done. No more." When someone tells you that, the first thing to cross your mind is "Where did i go wrong? What did i do? Why am i not good enough?" Feeling like you aren't good enough for someone you'd drop everything for is terrible. Waiting around for something that's not going to happen, is even more terrible. Hearing one thing, then hearing the complete opposite within a short period of time is even more terrible than that. I try to be nice, i try to hold a conversation with him, i try to suck up the fact that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. But i can't accept losing everything i've ever wanted. Today, he stopped texting me. Woo, big deal. He quit texting me, right? Yes... big deal. Now all i do is wait around my phone constantly checking it, even though i know he's not going to text me, call me or anything. He doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. But, i still wait. I still hope. I can't stop thinking about him, and i can't stop thinking about if he's thinking of me.

It's about the time where everyone is breaking up, but then they're all getting back together. Except me. I'm not getting what i want. I'll never get what i want again. If it was easy for me to move on and be happy, i would. I'm not choosing to be sad or depressed. it's just not easy for me as it is for some people. I care to much and i don't want to lose my everything.. No matter what i say, he won't stay. No matter what i do, he won't stay. No matter how hard i try to make him stay, he won't. I'm sick of feeling empty, i'm not even living. I'm just going along with the days. It's not getting better for me anymore, every day i wake up and i just feel worse and even more lonely than the day before. I understand that it's going to get worse before it gets better, but hasn't the worse already occurred for me? I mean, he left me. I miss his voice, and his i love you's, and his love. Basically i miss everything about him, good and bad.

Everything is working out for everyone, but me. I feel so worthless and useless. I know i say that everytime, but i don't think anyone understands it. At all. Whether you've been through something similar to this or not. I know i have to put a smile on my face tomorrow for school, but i don't know exactly how i'm going to do it. I'm thinking very hard about taking a day off because i don't think i'll make it without crying or losing it. It's day one all over again, except it's 50 times worse. I don't pray, but lately i've been praying every night. It's the same thing, please just in the end make him come back to me. He wants to be with me, but then he doesn't. He doesn't want to get hurt, no one in the world does, but no matter who you're with, you're going to get hurt. I'd feel better if i knew that this wasn't the end of us. But, it is.. and i can't freakin' take it anymore. I'm being torn up, and it's not fair.. What i'm going through, is not fair. It hurts so bad, and because the only thing that brought me up when i was down is the reason i'm so down, i'm just stuck down here. I've hit rock bottom. I don't have him to lean on. I don't have him here holding me telling me everything is going to be okay. I don't have him here listening to my problems. I don't have him here kissing me. I don't have him here loving me. I don't have him here at all. I sit in my room and stare at the four walls wondering where the hell did i go wrong. Wondering if he will come around. Wondering if he's thinking about me. Wondering if he's missing me. Wondering if he's falling apart just like i am. I always thought that when you loved someone, you'd be willing to go through hell just to be with that person. I'm willing, very willing. But it takes two, and when only one hearts in it, that person breaks apart.

Bryce. Bryce. Bryce. Bryce. Bryce. Bryce. Bryce. Bryce. Bryce. Bryce. Bryce. Bryce. It's all I think about, constantly. I wish i could have just one last day with him. One. last. moment.

Bryce, my everything, cause that's exactly what you are. You make my heart beat so fast, when you're around me. You take my breathe away when you look at me. & you make me crazy when you talk to me. I love you. It's as simple as that. I'm always going to be here waiting. Nothing is as important as you are to me. I hope you come back one day. Because, i could feel like this forever, just as long as one day you come back to me.. You're special and amazing and the best gift god has ever given me.


I
Love
You
So
Much

Sigh

Talk about depressing. I was doing good,, then BAM. it hurts all over again. Sitting approximately one foot from me right now, i cant breathe. I'm not gonna cry. Right? No, that's weak. Man, why can't i breathe? Why does he do this to me...? Why do i feel so helpless.. Like no matter what when he comes back into my life in any way i drop all my progress for him. I'm hopeless and this hurts too much.. God, take my pain away please..

Today was... so weird.

I had the best day in a while today. I'm still living in my own hell, but today was better. I hope it keeps getting better. I still have the ache in my heart, but i'm sure one day it'll be fixed.. whether it's by the boy i want it to be or not. Hopefully things work out for me. I just wanted to let you know, i'm getting better.


There is one problem though, jealousy.
I'm so jealous.. it's ridiculous. I don't have any reason to be though, i have plenty of guys trying to be with me.. right? Then why do i feel so jealous that i wish it was me that he waits for..that it's me he can't wait to talk to.. that it's me he looks for..? I guess i'm going to hurt more before i feel better. Man... i miss you bryce... and everything about you.


"I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time
And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me"

Support

I wanted to be like you

You say you don't want to hurt me. Don't want to see my tears, so why are you still standing here just watching me drown?
I'm not the one who hides there feelings. I can do it, but I have my moments where it's impossible. Today, it was quite impossible. It hurts just seeing him, torture. I only have 3 months and 27 days till he graduates.. As much as i need that day to come, i don't want it too. Then he'll be gone for good and i don't know what i'll do then. Loving someone who doesn't feel the same.. I can't even begin to explain to you what that feels like.. I'm empty. Completely empty. It's still hard to breathe, oh, and when he looks at me.. when he looks at me, everything else disappears. I never even thought that it was possible, but it is. Today, he looked at me, and i thought i was melting.. everything disappeared and it was just me and him. I've always wanted it to be just me and him.. forever. But forever never last long enough for anyone. I live off of hope. It's pretty hopeless, but i guess i just really need him and want him and love him and care for him more than i would have ever imagined. I was never prepared for the pain of a heartbreak. It's been 24 whole days. I still feel just as bad as day one. I cry for every little thing, because everything reminds me of him.. it's great memories, but i hate the fact that there won't be anymore.. Last night, when i closed my eyes, i swear every memory that we had together flashed through my eyes. I wish it would have never ended, my dreams are so much better than my reality. I have to constantly tell myself to keep breathing, and keep living, because if i don't i'll quit it all, i'll give up on everything. If i could stay in my room all day and draw, and be unsocialable, i would do it. Abandoned. I feel abandoned. I just feel left behind, useless. I was hurt last night.. he "accidently" sent me the wrong text.. such a painful text. Leaves you wondering how much he really cared, if he's sending stuff like that to other people. He keeps telling me that i don't bother him, but i must, i mean he's trying to move on, i should respect that. BUT i can't. How can he not understand that the grass isn't greener on the other side...? i would drop everything in the world for him.. and it's not good enough. Wow, it sucks knowing that you're not good enough no matter what you're willing to do... Breathe.. just breathe. I want him to be happy, but he was happy with me.. i don't care what he says. Yes, we did have some pretty rough and bad times, but we got through them and they made us, as a couple, stronger.. All that shit that i've went through, that we've been through together, just tossed down the drain.. I'm a strong lover, and i care more than i should. I can't walk away from love. What if it never comes again... what if it comes again and it's not good enough.. God, just give me the strength.. and don't let him forget me.


If he ever reads this... i need him to know that i love him with everything i have. And i always will, forever.


"I don't know how you do what you do
I'm so in love with you
It just keeps getting better
I wanna spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever
Every little thing that you do
Baby, I'm amazed by you"

it's not right...

"Goodbye to everything I thought I knew. You were the one I love, the one thing that I tried to hold on to. I still get lost in your eyes and it seems like I can't live a day without you. Closing my eyes till you chase my thoughts away to a place where I am blinded by the light but it's not right.."

We started over, because i keep screwing up. I can't screw up anymore. I don't want to and i just can't do that anymore. I am on my way to a total different person. He says he's giving it one more try, we're gonna just be friends. What if i do all this for him... and he still walks away? He tends to walk away from me alot... i know he doesn't want to be with me, so why can't i just give up and accept it? Any other time this would have happened, i would have just given up and accepted it, but i can't make myself give up because this is what i really want. I'm not just stating this, because i can. I'm serious, and i mean it from the bottom of my heart. I'd do anything for this kid who wouldn't do anything for me.. Also, when we're just friends, we ignore each other. We don't talk except for texting and we see each other everyday at school. He said that that wouldn't happen again, that we wouldn't ignore each other. Today was just like every other day. He didn't talk to me, at all. Goes to show you how pathetic i am though. Because i'm going to accept the pain that i get when he ignores me, and i'm going to be the bigger person and move on to the next day. I have the urge to text him, but i figured if he really wants to talk to me, then he would, right? Or am i the one who always has to try... because he really doesn't want to talk to me? I'm so confused when it comes to that. I want to talk to him so bad, and i can barely resist not texting him. BUT, he could care less whether we text or not. whether we talk at all or not. I sit in fourth hour counting down the minutes till fifth hour because we have the class together. I get my hopes up all fourth hour that today's gonna be the day everything's going to be different. On the way to fifth hour though, i prepare myself for the worse, because who would want to break down in front of everyone... it's already so hard not too. On the bright side, he looked at me today though in band. Made this electric shock right through me and to keep myself from falling apart right then and there, i moved so he couldn't see me, but i really didn't want to move. I had his attention then.. I was with him for almost four years, but when i see him now, i feel like a little kid who has there first crush and she's trying to do everything to impress him or get his attention. I get butterflies, i thought they were overrated, but they're probably the best feeling in the world. Sometimes i actually have to tell myself to breathe when he's around, because if i don't, i stop breathing. Literally. I find myself looking for him constantly, even though it hurts me. There's this little feeling inside me, jealously, when someone, anyone at all, is getting the attention from him that i long for.. I never knew it could hurt this much, and i never thought i'd be the one to depend on someone so much. He's so perfect and i just want him more than anything i've ever wanted. It's oh so crazy what love does to you.. it can turn your life upside down in less than ten seconds. I wish he dwelled on me as much as i do on him.. I wish he needed me just as much, i wish he didn't run away from his problems, i wish he loved me so much again.. i wish i could still hear those words, they meant so much to me.. I keep telling myself "Lauren, please don't cry.." When i cry, i feel weaker. I get weaker, instead of stronger. I have so much doubt. 90% of my body is telling me that this isn't going to work, someone's making him feel better than you will ever. The 10% is keeping me hanging on.. I wish i could lose that 10% even though it would hurt more.. I'm scared. He's the person with the big heart, he's the person who feeds off of attention from girls. You make him feel wanted, and you'll win him over, no matter who you are.. Me, it's not that simple. I've been hit on A LOT. I find it disgusting, overrated. I hate flirting, i hate guys who think they can get me too. They can't.. and they never will. But anyways, back to Bryce. He likes that sort of thing, which is why it's easy for him to forget about me, when ANY girl shows him that attention.. It's a scary thing. I know what i've went through last time.. it's the most absolute painful thing.. watching the person you love and want to be with so bad.. love and want to be with someone else. I want him back. I want that love back. If i lose it, i'm going to lose it.. I'm scared, and it's to the point where i don't want tomorrow to come, because things change in a blink of an eye. I don't know what to do... but i do know that whatever happen's... it's not right...


‎"Come here and make love tonight cause you're feelin' lonely. You keep takin' me back, takin' me back where I've already been. When we wake up and say goodbye it's like I'm losing you again. Can't you see? So what do you want, what do you want from me?"

Oh man..

So, three weeks ago today, i lost the love of my life.
He left. Again. Still today, it hurts just as much as it did on day one. Everyone keeps telling me it's going to get better, but is it really? I wait around the phone, for a text or a call. It never comes. I wait around town just to see if he's around, and he's not. At school... it's the hardest. He's there, and i have to watch him be happy.. without me. I'm a pretty good actor. I really am. I can act like the happiest person in the world, but i'm falling apart. Which i am. I really am falling apart without him. I still cry everyday. He's still the first thing i think about when i wake up and the last thing i think about when i go to bed. When i'm with my friends, he's still all i think about. Nothing gets him off of my mind. I wonder constantly if he thinks the same about me, and it hurts to know that he doesn't. He left me. He wanted to leave. So he's okay with this. I'm the one who isn't. Four years, every day, for four years... you can't just let that go. Too many memories, too many good memories. Not having that person who makes you whole.. that person who makes you feel so wonderful.. you're just worthless... useless.. nothing.. I miss him. Not just a little bit, i miss him more than anything in the world. I miss everything about him. His love was perfect.. it was more than i could ever ask for. He was too good for me, way too good, and i should have done something different. Anything different, anything to make him stay. But i didn't, and that brings me here today.. lost, confused, hurt, depressed, broken, worthless, useless, nothing. This pain is worse than anything.. i'd never wish it on anyone. Losing your everything, leaves you with nothing. Words, honestly, can't explain this feeling. I'd do it over and over and over again. I had the time of my life, and i wasn't ready to end it.


Bryce Jon, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I still love you more than anything in the world. You are still my life, and everything. I don't care if this feeling is not mutual. You're amazing to me. I love you.


i'm slowly dying..