Just prayed to a god that i don't believe in

I have the life everyone wants. The boyfriend, the friends, the parents, the money, the looks, the brain. Somehow, i've managed to have a better life that most people, and yet i'm still depressed as ever.

I'm going to start with the boyfriend. Bryce Monteaux and I have been back together as a couple for almost seven months since the breakup in February 2009. Things were amazing in the beginning, and now they are just weird. We don't hang out much, we don't talk much, and we don't do anything much. It's a set up for a DISASTER, but i tell people it's the relationship anyone could ever dream of. I miss him, i miss how it used to be and i hate how it's so much different now.

My friends. They're good. I don't see my best friend often, but better than nothing. I hang out with Meagan and Tori all the time. Meagan comes home from Hawaii sooon then we're heading to Destin!

My parents. They're always fighting. ALWAYS. My dad leaves in a week or so to pull straight time for two months... can you tell times are bad? I mean he's been home for like 4-5-6 weeks and it's time for him to go back to work, but two months is a long time without a dad.

The money. There is none. My family is broke. End of story.

The looks. I must be attractive to have people fake me online. To have people want to be me all the time and to have black freaks whistling at me in the mall and saying shit they shouldn't say. But, i don't take that for granted. I'm glad I don't look like i used to. I'm glad i got better looking, but seriously, i don't think i'm the best looking person around.

The brain. Screw school. Screw being smart.









I need a life. A real life.

Oh yes!

I never go on "BIG" vacations. I mean, i've traveled to Nashville, Myrtle Beach, & Disney World with my school, but i've never went on vacation during the summer with my friends. Besides Kayla in sixth grade. We went to Gulf shores, Alabama. Anyways, My friend Meagan invited me to go to Destin on July fifth. The only place i've ever been to in Florida was Pensacola for a band competition. Which was fun enough. The best part about this though is that my other two friends Kristen & Tori are leaving on July third to go to Destin too. So, me, meagan, kristen, and tori will all be in destin at once, how fun! Only 19 days to go.

I'm free fallin'

I'm not a smart person. I mean besides in school. I'm 100% book smart, with absolutely no common sense. Obviously common sense isn't so "common". I don't think about life situations the way i should. I don't see life the way i should. I think about things in the complete WRONG way. I thought i could get away with something, and i didn't. Now my entire life is on the line. Not my actual living life, but my relationship life. The stuff that really matters to me more than anything in this entire universe. I take my boyfriend and everything he does for me for granted. People who side with me on almost everything say "everyone makes mistakes!" I know everyone makes mistakes, but real people only make them once and learn from them. I don't. I could make a mistake 100 times and it wouldn't change. I always thought i was different from everyone else in high school, but it turns out that i'm more like them than i thought. A recent text message that i received said it all.


"You sit here and tell me you arent like everyone else, but you act just like everyone else. You go behind your boyfriends back just so you get what you want and so everything will go your way. Sorry you decided to fall in love with the guy who isnt like everyone else. Who doesnt drink. Who would enjoy if his girlfriend that he loves would care about him enough to just not drink. Are you just that selfcentered that you dont understand when i say that it hurts me who you drink or do you just not care if you hurt me? What happened to you? the real you? you were nice. you were sweet. you cared. what happened?"

I'm not good with responses when i'm depressed, i hate feeling like the world is on my shoulders. I hate knowing i'm a terrible person. I just pretty much hate me. That text message hurt me. Words aren't suppose to, but when you care about a person and love a person as much as i really do. Words hurt. I was called a bitch, an asshole. Nothing hurts as much as "What happened to you?" It especially cut me like a knife because i thought i was better than i used to be. Turns out i wasn't getting anywhere. God, depression hurts. The reply to that text message was short and sweet. A really stupid reply that means absolutely nothing to anyone, because my words don't count for anything.

"I am nice. I do care. And i am sweet. I am the "real" Lauren. Stop saying that i'm not just because i've never been the person you've always wanted me to be."

If i gave a damned, i wouldn't drink. But i do care. Just because I drink alcohol doesn't mean that i don't care about him. I need help, i don't know what to do anymore.

Holding in our breaths while we touch

"She won't kiss and tell, but this isn't hell
She got that name, it all seems like a game
How she is so well, I won't call this hell
If I had to guess, I'd say
we have a mess you could sell"

Yesterday, i went to Meagan's house for a swim with a bunch of my friends, since it's summer(; It was the first time in a long time that I've actually had some real fun. In fact, i'm going back today, but this time Blake Arceneaux is coming so it should be really interesting.
I finally hung out with my best friend, for the first time since probably the end of March. That's a long time ago. I think of the "things happen, people change" quote when that's brought up. Bryce, Joey, Jessica, and I sat in Meagan's driveway and talked about the most random things until two in the morning. It was a flashback of the older days, before high school screwed up life. I never would have thought high school could split up friendships, until it actually happened. You know how when you think "Oh my god, that would NEVER happen to me!" and you actually believe that it would never happen, until it does. Things that happen like that change people. It could change a person for the better, usually it does, but some people travel down the wrong path. The path that more people tend to follow. I see high school as the "devil" -an extremely great and wicked evil. High school ruins so much for kids, few of them can't even make it out and the ones that do, want to run back. It sets you up for judgment, strong judgment from people who are suppose to be your peers. Backstabbers, liars, sluts, whores, bitches, preps, studs, pimps, punks, emos, scene, jocks, normals, clowns, jokes, assholes, jerks, two-faces, stuck ups, and so on. At my school people would call me: Slut, Bitch, Prep, or Stuck-up. I'm not calling myself that, but people have called me that. You have to deal with rumors, for example, the last one i heard about me. "Lauren's Pregnant." When the rumor was going around, i was a virgin. I was pretty shocked. I remember how excited i was whenever i was going to my first year in high school. I was happy to be in the "big school" and now i can't wait to get out. I'm trapped in a jail based on learning. A jail of hell. Anyways, now i believe that high school changes a lot of different things.

Megan Lattero comes home in four days. I miss you. I know you have a lot going on right now, and i know today's the day :( but i love you so much and i'm always here for you if you need someone, even if you are thousands of miles away for the next few days, you can call me anytime and i don't care if you call me or IM me at three in the morning, you need me, you call me(: You are the strongest person i know and you are one of the best people in this world. You deserve the best. I love youuuu<3

I did another header for my blog. Photoshop, i love you(:

Best friend, for a reason.

Everyone knows we're not the best friends we used to be anymore. Everyone would always tell me they would love to have a relationship with their best friend like us.

I can't tell you the last time we hung out together, and i can't even tell you the last time we had a conversation. I can't even tell you what's been going on in her life, and i'm sure she can't tell you what's going on in mine. I don't call that a "best friend" relationship that i'd want. I don't even think that's how best friends act toward each other. I'm not going to lie to you, i miss having someone there all the time to listen to you complain. I miss having someone there to tell all the stupid stories to, to spill drama to, to gossip with, and everything else that i don't do anymore. I do have my few friends that i hang out with all the time, but not ones that i can sit there for hours and do nothing and not be bored out of my mind. But really, i can tell you that i don't miss being put aside for a boy or having everyone judge me because of my best friend.

Everyone always ask me why we barely talk anymore, or if we even still do. I usually say i don't know anymore. It started when she started seeing Josh and then i forgave her for whatever, then she did it again with Jonathon and i pretty much gave up on it. I don't even try to talk to her anymore, and i don't even try to hang out with her anymore, because i just figured if she really didn't want to lose me as a friend she would try, :)

It's kind of upsetting after like three years, but i'm still a happy little person (:



Oh, and i made a cute little header for my blog today(: I like it! Yay for photoshop skills.

Family for a reason.

I just wanted to say that me and my cousin Megan should have been sisters.
We have a ton of stuff in common and we tend to act alike :)


I'm cleaning today, then taking off before i have to work at the park.

We have a new baby coming into the family too! thank god it's not me :)

You're better than drugs.

"Feel your every heartbeat
Feel you on these empty nights
Calm the ache, stop the shakes
You clear my mind
You're my escape
From this messed up place
'Cause you let me forget
You numb my pain"

I love my boyfriend more than life itself.

So, today i was sick. This morning i felt terrible. I just wanted to curl up into a ball and die. After a while i felt better and i went visit my long lost friend Kayla. At first Kayla, Alyssa, and I talked for a long time. Then we went all over the world, then back to her house. We have to hang out again.

I want to pierce my lip so bad and soon. If my mom doesn't let me i'm going to be pissed. Maybe i can get Megan to talk her into it, just in case :) Everyone's getting there's and i'm jealous. I'm on the verge of just doing it myself. It'd be easier and besides as long as i can feel the pain, i don't have to worry about it. I'm scared to go and get it done though. Ouch.

MEGAN VICTORIA BOBO LATTERO.
You need to come home soon. I miss you so much and i need to talk to you so bad. Really, you keep saying that I have a lot of people i can talk to, but i don't. At lease, i don't have any friends that i can trust with my heart. Bryce doesn't count either :p I hope you come home within the next two weeks. I definitely need a girl's day! i love you!

I think i'm out for the night, <3