I wonder if our love is strong enough.

And all i can say is.. maybe tomorrow will be better.
The ring he gave me, the promise ring that meant absolutely nothing.. I put it in it's case when he broke up with me. I kept the case open on a display and i told myself that i wouldn't close it until i decided to give up. Today i closed the case. I guess no matter how bad it's going to hurt, i just gotta forget about it. I said i'd do whatever he wanted, and he want's me to move on.. of course, he asked me to do the only thing i can't do, but i can act like it. I'm a good actor, and acting happy isn't really that hard. Even though EVERYONE laughs at me when i tell them i'm okay. Absolutely, no one believes me when i say i'm okay. Clearly i'm not. I've never felt so sick to my stomach before. Fifth hour today. The fucking worse hour of my life. He tells me he cares, but the way he acts, and the lies he tells me all the time, i don't even believe it. You wouldn't hurt some one you really love just so you're happy. Impossible. But in order for him to be happy, i have to hurt like hell. I'll accept it, i always accept everything. I'm just tired of crying, tired of having my heart beat out of my chest, tired of not being able to breathe, tired of caring, tired of loving with no love in return, tired of trying, when it gets me no where. I'm just tired of everything, but i can't stop because i want him in my life. Forever. He's not coming back, but i bet i'll wait. I'd drop everything for this kid, who walked away from me. It's wrong isn't it? It's stupid isn't it? But that's what i am, pathetic and stupid.

I hate waiting around for something that will never happen, but i can't help myself. I just love him too much and it sucks. Fucking sucks so bad.

I'm so shaken up, i can't function. Noelle had to take my pencils away from me in class today, lol. I no longer pay attention, i just draw. I draw my heart away, i draw my feelings, i draw what i want, what i don't want. I draw anything. It was so funny. Love you Noelle (;

anyways, i'm giving up.
That's what you wanted.
And you always get what you want.
No matter how bad it hurts.
I want you to be happy.
& if that means me leaving.
Then i'll do it.

This is the last time i say it.
I love you.
Always will.

It's the little things like that text message, that helps me breathe.."I get carried away by the look by the light in your eyes
Before I even realize the ride I'm on baby I'm long gone
I get carried away nothin' matters but bein' with you
Like a feather flyin' high up in the sky on a windy day, I get carried away."

I should be done. I shouldn't be okay when he says "I told you I was done. No more." When someone tells you that, the first thing to cross your mind is "Where did i go wrong? What did i do? Why am i not good enough?" Feeling like you aren't good enough for someone you'd drop everything for is terrible. Waiting around for something that's not going to happen, is even more terrible. Hearing one thing, then hearing the complete opposite within a short period of time is even more terrible than that. I try to be nice, i try to hold a conversation with him, i try to suck up the fact that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. But i can't accept losing everything i've ever wanted. Today, he stopped texting me. Woo, big deal. He quit texting me, right? Yes... big deal. Now all i do is wait around my phone constantly checking it, even though i know he's not going to text me, call me or anything. He doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. But, i still wait. I still hope. I can't stop thinking about him, and i can't stop thinking about if he's thinking of me.

It's about the time where everyone is breaking up, but then they're all getting back together. Except me. I'm not getting what i want. I'll never get what i want again. If it was easy for me to move on and be happy, i would. I'm not choosing to be sad or depressed. it's just not easy for me as it is for some people. I care to much and i don't want to lose my everything.. No matter what i say, he won't stay. No matter what i do, he won't stay. No matter how hard i try to make him stay, he won't. I'm sick of feeling empty, i'm not even living. I'm just going along with the days. It's not getting better for me anymore, every day i wake up and i just feel worse and even more lonely than the day before. I understand that it's going to get worse before it gets better, but hasn't the worse already occurred for me? I mean, he left me. I miss his voice, and his i love you's, and his love. Basically i miss everything about him, good and bad.

Everything is working out for everyone, but me. I feel so worthless and useless. I know i say that everytime, but i don't think anyone understands it. At all. Whether you've been through something similar to this or not. I know i have to put a smile on my face tomorrow for school, but i don't know exactly how i'm going to do it. I'm thinking very hard about taking a day off because i don't think i'll make it without crying or losing it. It's day one all over again, except it's 50 times worse. I don't pray, but lately i've been praying every night. It's the same thing, please just in the end make him come back to me. He wants to be with me, but then he doesn't. He doesn't want to get hurt, no one in the world does, but no matter who you're with, you're going to get hurt. I'd feel better if i knew that this wasn't the end of us. But, it is.. and i can't freakin' take it anymore. I'm being torn up, and it's not fair.. What i'm going through, is not fair. It hurts so bad, and because the only thing that brought me up when i was down is the reason i'm so down, i'm just stuck down here. I've hit rock bottom. I don't have him to lean on. I don't have him here holding me telling me everything is going to be okay. I don't have him here listening to my problems. I don't have him here kissing me. I don't have him here loving me. I don't have him here at all. I sit in my room and stare at the four walls wondering where the hell did i go wrong. Wondering if he will come around. Wondering if he's thinking about me. Wondering if he's missing me. Wondering if he's falling apart just like i am. I always thought that when you loved someone, you'd be willing to go through hell just to be with that person. I'm willing, very willing. But it takes two, and when only one hearts in it, that person breaks apart.

Bryce. Bryce. Bryce. Bryce. Bryce. Bryce. Bryce. Bryce. Bryce. Bryce. Bryce. Bryce. It's all I think about, constantly. I wish i could have just one last day with him. One. last. moment.

Bryce, my everything, cause that's exactly what you are. You make my heart beat so fast, when you're around me. You take my breathe away when you look at me. & you make me crazy when you talk to me. I love you. It's as simple as that. I'm always going to be here waiting. Nothing is as important as you are to me. I hope you come back one day. Because, i could feel like this forever, just as long as one day you come back to me.. You're special and amazing and the best gift god has ever given me.


I
Love
You
So
Much

Sigh

Talk about depressing. I was doing good,, then BAM. it hurts all over again. Sitting approximately one foot from me right now, i cant breathe. I'm not gonna cry. Right? No, that's weak. Man, why can't i breathe? Why does he do this to me...? Why do i feel so helpless.. Like no matter what when he comes back into my life in any way i drop all my progress for him. I'm hopeless and this hurts too much.. God, take my pain away please..

Today was... so weird.

I had the best day in a while today. I'm still living in my own hell, but today was better. I hope it keeps getting better. I still have the ache in my heart, but i'm sure one day it'll be fixed.. whether it's by the boy i want it to be or not. Hopefully things work out for me. I just wanted to let you know, i'm getting better.


There is one problem though, jealousy.
I'm so jealous.. it's ridiculous. I don't have any reason to be though, i have plenty of guys trying to be with me.. right? Then why do i feel so jealous that i wish it was me that he waits for..that it's me he can't wait to talk to.. that it's me he looks for..? I guess i'm going to hurt more before i feel better. Man... i miss you bryce... and everything about you.


"I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time
And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me"

Support

I wanted to be like you

You say you don't want to hurt me. Don't want to see my tears, so why are you still standing here just watching me drown?
I'm not the one who hides there feelings. I can do it, but I have my moments where it's impossible. Today, it was quite impossible. It hurts just seeing him, torture. I only have 3 months and 27 days till he graduates.. As much as i need that day to come, i don't want it too. Then he'll be gone for good and i don't know what i'll do then. Loving someone who doesn't feel the same.. I can't even begin to explain to you what that feels like.. I'm empty. Completely empty. It's still hard to breathe, oh, and when he looks at me.. when he looks at me, everything else disappears. I never even thought that it was possible, but it is. Today, he looked at me, and i thought i was melting.. everything disappeared and it was just me and him. I've always wanted it to be just me and him.. forever. But forever never last long enough for anyone. I live off of hope. It's pretty hopeless, but i guess i just really need him and want him and love him and care for him more than i would have ever imagined. I was never prepared for the pain of a heartbreak. It's been 24 whole days. I still feel just as bad as day one. I cry for every little thing, because everything reminds me of him.. it's great memories, but i hate the fact that there won't be anymore.. Last night, when i closed my eyes, i swear every memory that we had together flashed through my eyes. I wish it would have never ended, my dreams are so much better than my reality. I have to constantly tell myself to keep breathing, and keep living, because if i don't i'll quit it all, i'll give up on everything. If i could stay in my room all day and draw, and be unsocialable, i would do it. Abandoned. I feel abandoned. I just feel left behind, useless. I was hurt last night.. he "accidently" sent me the wrong text.. such a painful text. Leaves you wondering how much he really cared, if he's sending stuff like that to other people. He keeps telling me that i don't bother him, but i must, i mean he's trying to move on, i should respect that. BUT i can't. How can he not understand that the grass isn't greener on the other side...? i would drop everything in the world for him.. and it's not good enough. Wow, it sucks knowing that you're not good enough no matter what you're willing to do... Breathe.. just breathe. I want him to be happy, but he was happy with me.. i don't care what he says. Yes, we did have some pretty rough and bad times, but we got through them and they made us, as a couple, stronger.. All that shit that i've went through, that we've been through together, just tossed down the drain.. I'm a strong lover, and i care more than i should. I can't walk away from love. What if it never comes again... what if it comes again and it's not good enough.. God, just give me the strength.. and don't let him forget me.


If he ever reads this... i need him to know that i love him with everything i have. And i always will, forever.


"I don't know how you do what you do
I'm so in love with you
It just keeps getting better
I wanna spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever
Every little thing that you do
Baby, I'm amazed by you"

it's not right...

"Goodbye to everything I thought I knew. You were the one I love, the one thing that I tried to hold on to. I still get lost in your eyes and it seems like I can't live a day without you. Closing my eyes till you chase my thoughts away to a place where I am blinded by the light but it's not right.."

We started over, because i keep screwing up. I can't screw up anymore. I don't want to and i just can't do that anymore. I am on my way to a total different person. He says he's giving it one more try, we're gonna just be friends. What if i do all this for him... and he still walks away? He tends to walk away from me alot... i know he doesn't want to be with me, so why can't i just give up and accept it? Any other time this would have happened, i would have just given up and accepted it, but i can't make myself give up because this is what i really want. I'm not just stating this, because i can. I'm serious, and i mean it from the bottom of my heart. I'd do anything for this kid who wouldn't do anything for me.. Also, when we're just friends, we ignore each other. We don't talk except for texting and we see each other everyday at school. He said that that wouldn't happen again, that we wouldn't ignore each other. Today was just like every other day. He didn't talk to me, at all. Goes to show you how pathetic i am though. Because i'm going to accept the pain that i get when he ignores me, and i'm going to be the bigger person and move on to the next day. I have the urge to text him, but i figured if he really wants to talk to me, then he would, right? Or am i the one who always has to try... because he really doesn't want to talk to me? I'm so confused when it comes to that. I want to talk to him so bad, and i can barely resist not texting him. BUT, he could care less whether we text or not. whether we talk at all or not. I sit in fourth hour counting down the minutes till fifth hour because we have the class together. I get my hopes up all fourth hour that today's gonna be the day everything's going to be different. On the way to fifth hour though, i prepare myself for the worse, because who would want to break down in front of everyone... it's already so hard not too. On the bright side, he looked at me today though in band. Made this electric shock right through me and to keep myself from falling apart right then and there, i moved so he couldn't see me, but i really didn't want to move. I had his attention then.. I was with him for almost four years, but when i see him now, i feel like a little kid who has there first crush and she's trying to do everything to impress him or get his attention. I get butterflies, i thought they were overrated, but they're probably the best feeling in the world. Sometimes i actually have to tell myself to breathe when he's around, because if i don't, i stop breathing. Literally. I find myself looking for him constantly, even though it hurts me. There's this little feeling inside me, jealously, when someone, anyone at all, is getting the attention from him that i long for.. I never knew it could hurt this much, and i never thought i'd be the one to depend on someone so much. He's so perfect and i just want him more than anything i've ever wanted. It's oh so crazy what love does to you.. it can turn your life upside down in less than ten seconds. I wish he dwelled on me as much as i do on him.. I wish he needed me just as much, i wish he didn't run away from his problems, i wish he loved me so much again.. i wish i could still hear those words, they meant so much to me.. I keep telling myself "Lauren, please don't cry.." When i cry, i feel weaker. I get weaker, instead of stronger. I have so much doubt. 90% of my body is telling me that this isn't going to work, someone's making him feel better than you will ever. The 10% is keeping me hanging on.. I wish i could lose that 10% even though it would hurt more.. I'm scared. He's the person with the big heart, he's the person who feeds off of attention from girls. You make him feel wanted, and you'll win him over, no matter who you are.. Me, it's not that simple. I've been hit on A LOT. I find it disgusting, overrated. I hate flirting, i hate guys who think they can get me too. They can't.. and they never will. But anyways, back to Bryce. He likes that sort of thing, which is why it's easy for him to forget about me, when ANY girl shows him that attention.. It's a scary thing. I know what i've went through last time.. it's the most absolute painful thing.. watching the person you love and want to be with so bad.. love and want to be with someone else. I want him back. I want that love back. If i lose it, i'm going to lose it.. I'm scared, and it's to the point where i don't want tomorrow to come, because things change in a blink of an eye. I don't know what to do... but i do know that whatever happen's... it's not right...


‎"Come here and make love tonight cause you're feelin' lonely. You keep takin' me back, takin' me back where I've already been. When we wake up and say goodbye it's like I'm losing you again. Can't you see? So what do you want, what do you want from me?"

Oh man..

So, three weeks ago today, i lost the love of my life.
He left. Again. Still today, it hurts just as much as it did on day one. Everyone keeps telling me it's going to get better, but is it really? I wait around the phone, for a text or a call. It never comes. I wait around town just to see if he's around, and he's not. At school... it's the hardest. He's there, and i have to watch him be happy.. without me. I'm a pretty good actor. I really am. I can act like the happiest person in the world, but i'm falling apart. Which i am. I really am falling apart without him. I still cry everyday. He's still the first thing i think about when i wake up and the last thing i think about when i go to bed. When i'm with my friends, he's still all i think about. Nothing gets him off of my mind. I wonder constantly if he thinks the same about me, and it hurts to know that he doesn't. He left me. He wanted to leave. So he's okay with this. I'm the one who isn't. Four years, every day, for four years... you can't just let that go. Too many memories, too many good memories. Not having that person who makes you whole.. that person who makes you feel so wonderful.. you're just worthless... useless.. nothing.. I miss him. Not just a little bit, i miss him more than anything in the world. I miss everything about him. His love was perfect.. it was more than i could ever ask for. He was too good for me, way too good, and i should have done something different. Anything different, anything to make him stay. But i didn't, and that brings me here today.. lost, confused, hurt, depressed, broken, worthless, useless, nothing. This pain is worse than anything.. i'd never wish it on anyone. Losing your everything, leaves you with nothing. Words, honestly, can't explain this feeling. I'd do it over and over and over again. I had the time of my life, and i wasn't ready to end it.


Bryce Jon, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I still love you more than anything in the world. You are still my life, and everything. I don't care if this feeling is not mutual. You're amazing to me. I love you.


i'm slowly dying..