it's not right...

"Goodbye to everything I thought I knew. You were the one I love, the one thing that I tried to hold on to. I still get lost in your eyes and it seems like I can't live a day without you. Closing my eyes till you chase my thoughts away to a place where I am blinded by the light but it's not right.."

We started over, because i keep screwing up. I can't screw up anymore. I don't want to and i just can't do that anymore. I am on my way to a total different person. He says he's giving it one more try, we're gonna just be friends. What if i do all this for him... and he still walks away? He tends to walk away from me alot... i know he doesn't want to be with me, so why can't i just give up and accept it? Any other time this would have happened, i would have just given up and accepted it, but i can't make myself give up because this is what i really want. I'm not just stating this, because i can. I'm serious, and i mean it from the bottom of my heart. I'd do anything for this kid who wouldn't do anything for me.. Also, when we're just friends, we ignore each other. We don't talk except for texting and we see each other everyday at school. He said that that wouldn't happen again, that we wouldn't ignore each other. Today was just like every other day. He didn't talk to me, at all. Goes to show you how pathetic i am though. Because i'm going to accept the pain that i get when he ignores me, and i'm going to be the bigger person and move on to the next day. I have the urge to text him, but i figured if he really wants to talk to me, then he would, right? Or am i the one who always has to try... because he really doesn't want to talk to me? I'm so confused when it comes to that. I want to talk to him so bad, and i can barely resist not texting him. BUT, he could care less whether we text or not. whether we talk at all or not. I sit in fourth hour counting down the minutes till fifth hour because we have the class together. I get my hopes up all fourth hour that today's gonna be the day everything's going to be different. On the way to fifth hour though, i prepare myself for the worse, because who would want to break down in front of everyone... it's already so hard not too. On the bright side, he looked at me today though in band. Made this electric shock right through me and to keep myself from falling apart right then and there, i moved so he couldn't see me, but i really didn't want to move. I had his attention then.. I was with him for almost four years, but when i see him now, i feel like a little kid who has there first crush and she's trying to do everything to impress him or get his attention. I get butterflies, i thought they were overrated, but they're probably the best feeling in the world. Sometimes i actually have to tell myself to breathe when he's around, because if i don't, i stop breathing. Literally. I find myself looking for him constantly, even though it hurts me. There's this little feeling inside me, jealously, when someone, anyone at all, is getting the attention from him that i long for.. I never knew it could hurt this much, and i never thought i'd be the one to depend on someone so much. He's so perfect and i just want him more than anything i've ever wanted. It's oh so crazy what love does to you.. it can turn your life upside down in less than ten seconds. I wish he dwelled on me as much as i do on him.. I wish he needed me just as much, i wish he didn't run away from his problems, i wish he loved me so much again.. i wish i could still hear those words, they meant so much to me.. I keep telling myself "Lauren, please don't cry.." When i cry, i feel weaker. I get weaker, instead of stronger. I have so much doubt. 90% of my body is telling me that this isn't going to work, someone's making him feel better than you will ever. The 10% is keeping me hanging on.. I wish i could lose that 10% even though it would hurt more.. I'm scared. He's the person with the big heart, he's the person who feeds off of attention from girls. You make him feel wanted, and you'll win him over, no matter who you are.. Me, it's not that simple. I've been hit on A LOT. I find it disgusting, overrated. I hate flirting, i hate guys who think they can get me too. They can't.. and they never will. But anyways, back to Bryce. He likes that sort of thing, which is why it's easy for him to forget about me, when ANY girl shows him that attention.. It's a scary thing. I know what i've went through last time.. it's the most absolute painful thing.. watching the person you love and want to be with so bad.. love and want to be with someone else. I want him back. I want that love back. If i lose it, i'm going to lose it.. I'm scared, and it's to the point where i don't want tomorrow to come, because things change in a blink of an eye. I don't know what to do... but i do know that whatever happen's... it's not right...


‎"Come here and make love tonight cause you're feelin' lonely. You keep takin' me back, takin' me back where I've already been. When we wake up and say goodbye it's like I'm losing you again. Can't you see? So what do you want, what do you want from me?"