Aw dammit.

I'm gonna write this long story, explaining it all tomorrow, i promise :)

Its been a while.

I've been afraid to write my feelings on here only because "he" knows this blog. Clearly, i'd rather him not know how i feel, i rather him not care like he's doing, rather him move on like he's doing. I rather him just not exist. I can't wait till graduation when he's far away. On the bright side, i haven't had the want to text him, talk to him, look at him, and i barely miss him.. As long as he's out of my mind that is... because the second he's back into my mind, it's like he takes over my feelings, my heart, and just throws me for one more loop and BAM, i start to miss him and wonder about him. It's not often though, maybe once every two days will i start to think about him and wonder what he's doing and if he's happy. I'm actually OK. I mean, he has found someone new that makes him happy. & that's what i'm suppose to want for him, even if that person isn't me. Right?
But i'm making progress. I'm starting to live, instead of just floating with the days, i'm starting to smile because i can smile, i'm starting to laugh a lot more, i'm starting to forget about all the pain and i'm starting to move on with my life because life isn't going to wait around for me. Everything is getting easier for me. As much as i wish that this would have never happened between me and him, i'm accepting it and i'm looking forward because i'm sixteen and i have a lot to live for. It's a life lesson i'm suppose to learn from, and i'm learning that no matter what happens, you just have to keep living and keep moving forward.


<3

i love you crazy

FUCKMYLIFE.
I honestly don't know anymore.
and i hate it. i hate it more than anything.

I just want to know what we are, because i honestly don't know anymore

"If I fall, can you let me down easy? If I leave my heart with you tonight will you promise me that you're gonna treat it right? I'm barely hanging on..."

What am I? I looked in the mirror today, and just broke down. Am i really that terrible of a person? Do i not deserve you? Do i deserve anything? Am i not good enough? Where did i go wrong? & why can't i move on?

I know things aren't going to work out between us, so why am i still hoping that you'll come around, that you'll come back to me? I know you won't, i know you have something else in mind, so why am i still waiting? You tell me EVERYTHING i want to hear, you know it's wrong, you say you mean it. BUT damn, if you feel that way about me, then what the fuck are you doing? Tearing me apart, tearing me down. Making me nothing. You say you love me, but you can't handle me. I don't want you to handle me... I want you to be with me, a relationship like we're suppose to have. I can't stand to look at couples, they're everywhere just making me realize that you're gone. Gone for good, you even said that yourself. You said you're not coming back. You said you're done with me. Why can't i just let you go? Since January 2nd, i've cried every day over you. Every day. I hurt everyday. For you, it's getting easier but for me it's only getting harder. I'm trying to pull away from you because that's what you want, but i can't. I can't let you take away the absolute only thing in this world that I want. I want you forever. In my future, forever, with me. I know it's a lot to ask.. i know. But i just want to hear that this isn't over. I'd feel so much better if you'd tell me this isn't over.. i don't want this to be over, you said so yourself, you don't want this to be over either... I believed you when you said that, and i don't want it to be a lie, but i can't be your friend forever with the feelings i have for you. Come back, one day, come back..
"You're the only thing on my one broken track mind.."



On the bright side, Zayda will be here tomorrow. I'll have something to keep my mind off of him with..

Truth be told

There was always this part of me that wanted to make him hurt like he made me hurt. So many chances i've had that i could have easily made that possible. But, i took a step back from my little fantasy world and thought "Why are you even thinking of getting even with him? Don't you love him? You don't hurt the ones you love..." & I realize everytime how i couldn't be more right. I love him so much, that no matter how bad the pain i have to go through because of him is, i could NEVER hurt him intentionally. You see, sometimes you have to put others first over what you want in order to get anywhere in life. As self absorbed as i may seem, i'm honestly not. Not at all. So, i'm stepping back from what i want, which is YOU, Bryce Monteaux, just in case your forgot, and i'm going to attempt to see what you want. I kind of know what you want.. but you've never exactly explained it to me in detail where i could understand it.. and i'm too scared to ask you in case it ruins the little bit of friendship we have left.. ANYWAYS.

I still feel like a little kid when i talk to him, when i look at him, when he looks at me. I still get butterflies, and it's so amazing, i can't help but smile when he's around, no matter how hard i try not too, being around him just makes me happy..

"My first boyfriend and I mutually agreed to just be friends. Within 10 minutes of changing my relationship status on Facebook, I received calls from at least four different friends, all ready to go kick his butt. Even though it wasn't necessary today, my friends' readiness for that day gives me hope."


I'm still waiting. It's not tiring anymore, cause i know what i want. So, if you're just wondering about me, yes, i'm still waiting.



& i still love you. I still love you so much.


God; can you give me my life back please, i promise i will handle it delicately.. i'm not sure i can do this alone anymore..

VDAY

Ten days till the day of LOVE. Valentine's day should be skipped this year. You know, it's not fair for people like me. I don't have that special someone to spend the day with showing how much they love each other by doing all kind of special things together. I HAD that special someone once though, and i can't imagine a valentine's day without them... Sigh. Please, let's just skip valentine's day just this once.. my heart already hurts too much.

"I can wait forever."

"Do you want to know what my problem is? I will tell you what my problem is…
i love you. I love your name, I love the way you look at me, I love your gorgeous smile, I love the way you walk, I love your beautiful eyes, I love the sound of your laugh, i love the way you get mad, i love the way i dont understand you at all. I love the way I can be having the worst day of my life and seeing you completely changes my mood. I love how when you touch me I get weak, thats my problem..."

You want me to be happy, but i can't be happy. The thing that makes me happy, the thing that i need to be happy, doesn't need me. Therefore i'm left sad, and i'll always be sad until the light of my life comes back. If that's soon or never, that's going to decide whether i'm going to be happy one day or not. YOU make me happy. So how do you expect me to be happy without you?< YOU are what i want, so how do you expect me to move on away from you? I know you don't need me, you know that too. BUT, i need you and want you more than anything. So if you want me to be happy, you know what you'd have to do, but you don't want that, so you're screwed and stuck. You're stuck.. just like i am. You have to do what your heart wants, to get anywhere. I know what my heart wants, why can't yours make up it's mind? Waiting gets tiring, but i'll wait forever.

You know how many times i catch myself wanting to send this, actually typing it out, but not sending it. I'm so used to saying that i love you, because that's exactly what i do, i love you. I probably type this ten times a day, and have to erase the text... because that's not us anymore. That's what we were. Man, that's the first punch.. in the same spot, once again..

"because the truth is if you love a person, IF YOU TRULY LOVE THEM, no matter how bad they hurt you, or how mad they make you, youll always take them back.."

I skipped out on school.

Today is February 2nd, 2011. It is exactly one month since my life went straight downhill. I'm alright today though, i suffered a migraine and heartache. Besides that, i'm OK. I still miss the happiness that i no longer have in my life, but i always will miss that. I'm starting to get used to the lonesome feelings, the hurt, the pain. I'm used to feeling worthless and useless. i'm used to it now, and all i can do is just try to move forward, instead of backwards.. I long for him to be more than just my friend. I long for him to come back. But since he's not, i'll accept it and one day, i'll be okay with that.

"I'm not exactly sure what I should say. Everything I do is a mistake. Your attention is attention, It doesn't matter if it's fake or real, I'll take it if I get it. I've made up my mind, I'll do it over any time."

Anger is love, disappointed.

"Tell me you get lonely and I’ll come back, All you gotta do is call me, my bags been packed. I’m dying of pride, but I want you to know… That I get lonely."