I'm free fallin'

I'm not a smart person. I mean besides in school. I'm 100% book smart, with absolutely no common sense. Obviously common sense isn't so "common". I don't think about life situations the way i should. I don't see life the way i should. I think about things in the complete WRONG way. I thought i could get away with something, and i didn't. Now my entire life is on the line. Not my actual living life, but my relationship life. The stuff that really matters to me more than anything in this entire universe. I take my boyfriend and everything he does for me for granted. People who side with me on almost everything say "everyone makes mistakes!" I know everyone makes mistakes, but real people only make them once and learn from them. I don't. I could make a mistake 100 times and it wouldn't change. I always thought i was different from everyone else in high school, but it turns out that i'm more like them than i thought. A recent text message that i received said it all.


"You sit here and tell me you arent like everyone else, but you act just like everyone else. You go behind your boyfriends back just so you get what you want and so everything will go your way. Sorry you decided to fall in love with the guy who isnt like everyone else. Who doesnt drink. Who would enjoy if his girlfriend that he loves would care about him enough to just not drink. Are you just that selfcentered that you dont understand when i say that it hurts me who you drink or do you just not care if you hurt me? What happened to you? the real you? you were nice. you were sweet. you cared. what happened?"

I'm not good with responses when i'm depressed, i hate feeling like the world is on my shoulders. I hate knowing i'm a terrible person. I just pretty much hate me. That text message hurt me. Words aren't suppose to, but when you care about a person and love a person as much as i really do. Words hurt. I was called a bitch, an asshole. Nothing hurts as much as "What happened to you?" It especially cut me like a knife because i thought i was better than i used to be. Turns out i wasn't getting anywhere. God, depression hurts. The reply to that text message was short and sweet. A really stupid reply that means absolutely nothing to anyone, because my words don't count for anything.

"I am nice. I do care. And i am sweet. I am the "real" Lauren. Stop saying that i'm not just because i've never been the person you've always wanted me to be."

If i gave a damned, i wouldn't drink. But i do care. Just because I drink alcohol doesn't mean that i don't care about him. I need help, i don't know what to do anymore.